I don't like the local heath club locker room.
Mainly I don't like it because there are always 100 naked dudes in there. I don't mean guys changing or showering, that I can take. I mean dudes just walking around, having conversations, shaving, demonstrating their golf swing....all naked. WTF ? It's that hard to put a towel on ? A pair of shorts ?
And the friggin girl at the front desk gets a kick out of making sure that I get the locker right in the middle of swinging dick city. I'm not being paranoid either. I went in there at 5:30 one morning. I was the second one in there and when I followed the number on my key it was to the locker right next to the other other guy in the place. And he was naked.
Anyway, the other thing that I find unsettling is public bathing. I don't think that I need to expand on that repulsive activity as it speaks for itself.
Knowing that, it would be odd that you'd find me in the health club locker room hot tub, but that's exactly where I found myself.
I'd been doing a lot of riding and running and was sore as hell. I had some more training to do and I knew that the only way that I had a shot at recovering was to get in a hot tub for about 20 minutes and stretch. So I went to the club near closing and I hung around for about 25 minutes until the place had emptied out. Showing a little modesty I put on my bathing suit, and when the coast was clear, I slipped into the hot tub to stretch.
About one nano-second after I hit the water some 80 year old dude come busting out of the sauna. As I had been laying in wait, I had to figure that he had been in that sweltering sauna for at least a half hour and he was all ashen and staggering. And, of course, he staggered straight for the hot tub.
Here I was finally relaxed and Mr. Old Sweaty naked guy came right over, climbed up the stairs and plopped is sweaty stinky ass right into the tub. Goddamn it.
And as soon as my my mojo was ruined and I couldn't possibly relax ever again, he decided he had enough of the hot tub and decided to get out.
Now this would seem like a good thing except the exposure to all that heat started taking it's toll on him. He got half way up the ladder and started to sway back and forth. As if it couldn't get worse it looked like the old naked bastard was going to fall backwards right into my lap.
Reluctantly I started to reach out, but before I could get to him he caught his balance and with great effort pulled himself another rung.
Then he bent over.
Now you'd think that being winked at by the anus of a droopy, elephant-skinned ass of an old man would have been the most disquieting thing about this encounter. But you'd be wrong.
The thing that really got me, the thing that will be forever burned in my consciousness wasn't what I could see above the surface, it was what was still in the pool.
This dude was standing almost entirely out of the water on the ladder, but his BALLS were still swimming around. Somehow the heat and his age had combined in a way that defied conventional anatomy. It was as if the Hindenburg had gone in nose first, but forgot to blow up.
He was done, but his balls were still hot tubbing.
Needless to say, I didn't use the jacuzzi on the cruise.